Monday, May 7, 2007
Summertime
With summer almost here, I really want school to be over, and I wouldn't mind if it was a lot warmer outside, like in the 70's or even 80's. I really want to go bike riding a lot and get burnt while doing it. I also want to go camping and swimming at the lake. I guess the best thing about summer is riding my bike in town with all my friends and just going to places. It's funny how during the first semester I was so excited for snow and wanted it to snow non-stop. I guess that's because I lived in Havre where when it did snow all of it would blow away the next day. Then when I came to Bozeman it was the most snow I ever saw, and I loved it. But enough was enough and I'm pretty sure I'm sick of it now, at least until it gets so hot in the summer I'll be begging for it to be the winter again.
Three Comments
I commented on 3 people's blogs. I read over one of each person's posts and commented, usually with something short. I didn't know what to say, so I just said something. The blogs were pretty cool. I like pie. The end.
Bozemanite Idiots
Bozeman: a beautiful scenic city nestled in the Gallatin Valley only a drive away from Yellowstone National Park and a few minutes away from two excellent skiing locations. Home to Montana State University, Museum of the Rockies with paleontologist Jack Horner, and a grand Main Street with many attractions and stores, Bozeman is quite possibly one of the most beautiful cities in the country. But underneath the grandeur of the city, there lies a deep, disturbing problem. I’m not talking about the homeless problem or the liberal hippies spreading their ideologies to other people, I’m talking about the number or morons in the city. First off, there are the numbers of horrible, horrible drivers. They are quite possibly the worst drivers I have ever encountered. I’ve driven through Denver, Houston, Dallas, and other major cities in the Midwest and South. Although the cities listed have a denser vehicle population on the roads, they at least know how to drive properly. Not only is Bozeman limited to idiots who drive, but also has idiots in general. These idiots include the bicyclists riding their bikes without a care in the world, and worse… the annoying girl in my statistics class.
It was a cold, white and snowy afternoon. The sun broke through allowing the sunlight to spot the city. I had to make a trip to Wal-Mart, so I decided to get onto Kagy, proceed to Wilson, then make it to Wilson, turn onto Main, then turn onto 7th Avenue all the way to Wal-Mart. As I was waiting to make a left-hand turn onto Main Street from Wilson, I noticed a car trying to parallel park in front of the Bozeman Hotel. He was doing everything properly. I then noticed an early model white Subaru Outback that pulled up right behind it. I was behind 2 other cars waiting for the green light to turn left. Once we received the green light, the line started to drive onto Main Street. As soon as I was about to get into the center lane on Main heading westbound, the man in the white Subaru decided he didn’t want to wait anymore and without looking drove right into my lane, causing me to swerve my SUV into the oncoming lanes of traffic. My tires were squealing while I made an abrupt and sharp left turn followed by an abrupt and sharp right turn. Another story, although not quite as exciting, was when I was driving to Belgrade for a doctor’s appointment. I was on 19th Avenue heading north towards I-90. When I was a few blocks away from the Ford dealership, the driver to my left, who had to have seen me since I was right next to him, kept on swerving into my lane almost hitting me a few times. I had to avoid him by swerving onto the shoulder multiple times. It might just be me, but Bozeman drivers seem to have their heads shoved up their asses while driving because they don’t seem to pay attention to what’s going on around them. What really grinds my gears are the drivers who drive 10 mph below the speed limit. Every time I drive in Bozeman, especially when I’m in a 45 mph zone, the drivers in front of me want to go 35 mph. Now, I’m all for safe driving, obeying the law, and driving to what conditions would allow, but if it’s 63 degrees outside, the sun shining, and the roads as dry as it can be, I’m PRETTY sure that you can go 45 mph without repercussions. The main strip of road that I’m always forced to go 35 mph when the speed limit is 45 mph is the part of 19th Avenue South that stretches from College Street all the way down to Kagy.
Moving on to the other idiots in Bozeman, another group is the bicyclists. When I drive and I’m at a crosswalk or intersection, I’m forced to slam on my brakes just for the bicyclists who don’t know that they’re supposed to follow the same rules as if they were driving a car. This is backed up by police officers. They are supposed to stop at stop signs and obey all rules of traffic. Instead, these people think that since they are on a bicycle, they can do whatever they want on the road. Most of these people are smart enough to use the bicycle lane, but some of these morons, whom I like to call douche bags, don’t even bother to obey ANY laws. If I drive over a bicyclist late at night because they don’t have a light or reflectors on their bike and are not practicing safe biking, then they deserve to get run over by me in my giant earth destroyer, a.k.a. SUV. My thinking is, if they’re dumb, they probably deserve to get killed, or at least seriously injured. They need to learn a lesson. To me, they’re like children, and in order to make sure that they behave, you need to spank them once in a while; or in their case, run them over with my giant tires.
Now to idiots in general. There’s a girl in my stats class who annoys the CRAP out of me. First off, she never shows up for class and when the rare occasion comes where she does show up to class all she does is ask stupid questions. Every time we have to take a test, the day we review she asks the professor, “Steve? Do we have to do this?” or “Can it be open book, Steve?” or “Do we really have to do this? This is hard! *insert stupid girly laugh here*” Not only is she annoying when she asks questions, but she has a very, very, very high pitched voice. She has the voice of an 8 year old little girl, only louder and more intolerable. This entire week, we’ve been working in the computer lab on our final project for the class. The week before we started working on the project, she blatantly said aloud in class, “Steve? Do we really have to do this shit?” By “shit,” of course she meant the project. What’s that stupid annoying girl? You don’t want to do the project? Oh, that’s okay, you don’t have to! I mean, if you want to pass the class, then you might want to think about doing it, but otherwise, don’t worry about it! She needs to get her proverbial “shit” together and stop her bitching. Also, the last day we could work on the project in the computer lab, she came in late and was throwing a temper tantrum about how her computer wasn’t working. First off, the fricken’ computer wasn’t even turned on!!! What kind of idiotic retard doesn’t check to make sure the computer is on in the first place? Corky from Life Goes On and Gomer Pyle are smarter than her! On top of that, she kept on asking her stupid questions to anyone and everyone in the class to get help. Two days before that incident, we were in the computer lab starting our projects. She forgot to do her homework, as did I, but I knew what I was doing, whereas she didn’t have a clue. Here’s how the conversation turned out to be when she asked me for help after the professor helped her with the Excel portion of the homework on the second out of two problems.
Stupid girl: “Hey, how do you this problem? I don’t know how to do this shit on Excel.”
Me: “Which one?”
Her: “The one about marijuana.”
Me: “You don’t need to do the first problem in Excel.”
Her: “Steve told me I need to.”
Me: “He was referring to number two.”
Her: “Okay, well how do you do it?”
Me: “Which one?”
Her: “The first one on Excel.”
Me: “I told you that you don’t need to do the first problem on Excel. It’s by hand.”
Her: “Well how do you do this one?”
Me: “You do it by hand.” (I proceeded to attempt to help her)
Her: “No, this one.” (Pointing to the other problem)
Me: “You told me you needed help on the other problem.”
Her: “No, this one!”
Me: “You’re pointing to number two.”
Her: “….STEVE!!! He said you did the problem wrong!!!”
Me: “I never said he did the problem wrong, I said that you were doing the wrong problem.”
Her: “Steve!! I need help! You did the problem wrong!”
Me: “Again, I never said that.”
After thinking about what it would be like if she was suddenly struck in the head with my computer monitor, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to get any work done the entire class period. I kept on thinking: Is it possible for any person to be that stupid? I mean, come on, I’ve met a lot of idiots before, but holy crap, I had no clue people could be so stupid without being considered mentally retarded. Thank God I don’t sit directly next to her in class otherwise I’d have migraine headaches after class every day. One must wonder though: is there someone special for everyone on earth? Is there a divine plan that links someone to the person they are destined to be with for the rest of their lives? If so, then may God have mercy on that poor man’s soul, for he will be forever annoyed for the rest of his life if he ever marries her.
In summary, the beauty of Bozeman is an evil cloak that shrouds what lies beneath: the that idiots can be found everywhere. Drivers, bicyclists, and the annoying retard in my statistics class are enough evidence to show how Bozeman is the Mecca of morons.
It was a cold, white and snowy afternoon. The sun broke through allowing the sunlight to spot the city. I had to make a trip to Wal-Mart, so I decided to get onto Kagy, proceed to Wilson, then make it to Wilson, turn onto Main, then turn onto 7th Avenue all the way to Wal-Mart. As I was waiting to make a left-hand turn onto Main Street from Wilson, I noticed a car trying to parallel park in front of the Bozeman Hotel. He was doing everything properly. I then noticed an early model white Subaru Outback that pulled up right behind it. I was behind 2 other cars waiting for the green light to turn left. Once we received the green light, the line started to drive onto Main Street. As soon as I was about to get into the center lane on Main heading westbound, the man in the white Subaru decided he didn’t want to wait anymore and without looking drove right into my lane, causing me to swerve my SUV into the oncoming lanes of traffic. My tires were squealing while I made an abrupt and sharp left turn followed by an abrupt and sharp right turn. Another story, although not quite as exciting, was when I was driving to Belgrade for a doctor’s appointment. I was on 19th Avenue heading north towards I-90. When I was a few blocks away from the Ford dealership, the driver to my left, who had to have seen me since I was right next to him, kept on swerving into my lane almost hitting me a few times. I had to avoid him by swerving onto the shoulder multiple times. It might just be me, but Bozeman drivers seem to have their heads shoved up their asses while driving because they don’t seem to pay attention to what’s going on around them. What really grinds my gears are the drivers who drive 10 mph below the speed limit. Every time I drive in Bozeman, especially when I’m in a 45 mph zone, the drivers in front of me want to go 35 mph. Now, I’m all for safe driving, obeying the law, and driving to what conditions would allow, but if it’s 63 degrees outside, the sun shining, and the roads as dry as it can be, I’m PRETTY sure that you can go 45 mph without repercussions. The main strip of road that I’m always forced to go 35 mph when the speed limit is 45 mph is the part of 19th Avenue South that stretches from College Street all the way down to Kagy.
Moving on to the other idiots in Bozeman, another group is the bicyclists. When I drive and I’m at a crosswalk or intersection, I’m forced to slam on my brakes just for the bicyclists who don’t know that they’re supposed to follow the same rules as if they were driving a car. This is backed up by police officers. They are supposed to stop at stop signs and obey all rules of traffic. Instead, these people think that since they are on a bicycle, they can do whatever they want on the road. Most of these people are smart enough to use the bicycle lane, but some of these morons, whom I like to call douche bags, don’t even bother to obey ANY laws. If I drive over a bicyclist late at night because they don’t have a light or reflectors on their bike and are not practicing safe biking, then they deserve to get run over by me in my giant earth destroyer, a.k.a. SUV. My thinking is, if they’re dumb, they probably deserve to get killed, or at least seriously injured. They need to learn a lesson. To me, they’re like children, and in order to make sure that they behave, you need to spank them once in a while; or in their case, run them over with my giant tires.
Now to idiots in general. There’s a girl in my stats class who annoys the CRAP out of me. First off, she never shows up for class and when the rare occasion comes where she does show up to class all she does is ask stupid questions. Every time we have to take a test, the day we review she asks the professor, “Steve? Do we have to do this?” or “Can it be open book, Steve?” or “Do we really have to do this? This is hard! *insert stupid girly laugh here*” Not only is she annoying when she asks questions, but she has a very, very, very high pitched voice. She has the voice of an 8 year old little girl, only louder and more intolerable. This entire week, we’ve been working in the computer lab on our final project for the class. The week before we started working on the project, she blatantly said aloud in class, “Steve? Do we really have to do this shit?” By “shit,” of course she meant the project. What’s that stupid annoying girl? You don’t want to do the project? Oh, that’s okay, you don’t have to! I mean, if you want to pass the class, then you might want to think about doing it, but otherwise, don’t worry about it! She needs to get her proverbial “shit” together and stop her bitching. Also, the last day we could work on the project in the computer lab, she came in late and was throwing a temper tantrum about how her computer wasn’t working. First off, the fricken’ computer wasn’t even turned on!!! What kind of idiotic retard doesn’t check to make sure the computer is on in the first place? Corky from Life Goes On and Gomer Pyle are smarter than her! On top of that, she kept on asking her stupid questions to anyone and everyone in the class to get help. Two days before that incident, we were in the computer lab starting our projects. She forgot to do her homework, as did I, but I knew what I was doing, whereas she didn’t have a clue. Here’s how the conversation turned out to be when she asked me for help after the professor helped her with the Excel portion of the homework on the second out of two problems.
Stupid girl: “Hey, how do you this problem? I don’t know how to do this shit on Excel.”
Me: “Which one?”
Her: “The one about marijuana.”
Me: “You don’t need to do the first problem in Excel.”
Her: “Steve told me I need to.”
Me: “He was referring to number two.”
Her: “Okay, well how do you do it?”
Me: “Which one?”
Her: “The first one on Excel.”
Me: “I told you that you don’t need to do the first problem on Excel. It’s by hand.”
Her: “Well how do you do this one?”
Me: “You do it by hand.” (I proceeded to attempt to help her)
Her: “No, this one.” (Pointing to the other problem)
Me: “You told me you needed help on the other problem.”
Her: “No, this one!”
Me: “You’re pointing to number two.”
Her: “….STEVE!!! He said you did the problem wrong!!!”
Me: “I never said he did the problem wrong, I said that you were doing the wrong problem.”
Her: “Steve!! I need help! You did the problem wrong!”
Me: “Again, I never said that.”
After thinking about what it would be like if she was suddenly struck in the head with my computer monitor, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to get any work done the entire class period. I kept on thinking: Is it possible for any person to be that stupid? I mean, come on, I’ve met a lot of idiots before, but holy crap, I had no clue people could be so stupid without being considered mentally retarded. Thank God I don’t sit directly next to her in class otherwise I’d have migraine headaches after class every day. One must wonder though: is there someone special for everyone on earth? Is there a divine plan that links someone to the person they are destined to be with for the rest of their lives? If so, then may God have mercy on that poor man’s soul, for he will be forever annoyed for the rest of his life if he ever marries her.
In summary, the beauty of Bozeman is an evil cloak that shrouds what lies beneath: the that idiots can be found everywhere. Drivers, bicyclists, and the annoying retard in my statistics class are enough evidence to show how Bozeman is the Mecca of morons.
Montana Summer
It was the most gorgeous day in the summer one could think of. It was about 85 degrees outside, sun shining with a few clouds that dotted the big, blue sky. There was a small breeze blowing across the landscape as we were driving south from Havre. The sun was already giving me a tan on my forearms while I was driving my car. The landscape was quite a sight. The rolling plains and hills with the green mountains in the background made the scenery absolutely beautiful. As we were driving towards the mountains, we saw other people who had the same plan we had. A lot of people were taking their RV’s to camp out for the weekend, while my friends and I only had a few tents and sleeping bags for the campout.
As we got to the lake nestled within the mountain valley, we drove around to look for a good camping spot. We finally settled on a spot right on the corner of the lake. We put up the tents right near the cattails that lined the shore of the lake. It was around noon when we finally got done putting up the tents and chopping down the palettes we were going to use as firewood. The sun was still bright, temperature still warm, but now not a cloud dotted the sky. Being hot but not feeling up for a swim, we decided to get the canoes that we brought with us and start canoeing. We then came back to shore to throw a football and frisbee around with more people that decided to come camping with us.
At the end of the day, we lit a fire and got all the chairs we brought with us around the campfire. We were roasting hot dogs, making s’mores, and were just talking about random stuff. At around 1 AM, we decided to call it a night, get in our sleeping bags, and just sleep… until a few people started farting in the tent.
As we got to the lake nestled within the mountain valley, we drove around to look for a good camping spot. We finally settled on a spot right on the corner of the lake. We put up the tents right near the cattails that lined the shore of the lake. It was around noon when we finally got done putting up the tents and chopping down the palettes we were going to use as firewood. The sun was still bright, temperature still warm, but now not a cloud dotted the sky. Being hot but not feeling up for a swim, we decided to get the canoes that we brought with us and start canoeing. We then came back to shore to throw a football and frisbee around with more people that decided to come camping with us.
At the end of the day, we lit a fire and got all the chairs we brought with us around the campfire. We were roasting hot dogs, making s’mores, and were just talking about random stuff. At around 1 AM, we decided to call it a night, get in our sleeping bags, and just sleep… until a few people started farting in the tent.
Once upon a time...
Once upon a time in a place far, far away, there was a city named Detroit. There lived a family who was on welfare and food stamps. The man of the family, Frank, had two of his own children named Hans and Gretchen, named due to their Dutch heritage. He used to work at a local auto maker factory, but due to hard times within the corporation the factory had to close down, leaving him jobless. His first wife died due to her getting into a tragic circus accident in which she was trampled by an elephant, and remarried a new woman named Penelope. The only reason why he married her was based on her looks alone and the children hated her. She was always rude to the children and despised them passionately.
One day, the bills kept on piling up and also the available money and food stamps they had for food ran low. “I hate your kids. I hope they get run over by a friggin’ bus,” said the mean wife to her husband. “See? Why do you have to say things like that? When you say things like that it makes you look like more of a bitch than what you really are,” said Frank. “Shut up you moron. It’s been over a year and you still haven’t found a job. How incompetent are you?” asked Penelope. Frank, muttering to himself, said, “I hope you get a bad case of diarrhea, woman.” “What did you just say?” Penelope asked. “Nothing…” replied Frank. “Okay, desperate times call for desperate measures. Look, I’m hungry, you’re hungry, and the kids are eating food that we could be eating. Let’s give them the boot and make them live off the streets” stated Penelope. “What? I’d never do such a thing!” exclaimed Frank. “If you don’t kick them out, I’ll stop having sex with you” said Penelope. “You got a deal” said Frank.
So Hans and Gretchen were kicked out of their shoddy trailer house and were forced to fend for themselves and scrounge for food. They were dropped off at the outskirts of the city near a forest and were left to die. Luckily, being the smart kids Hans and Gretchen were due to their public school education, they found their way back to their house and took shelter in there until finally the evil stepmother found out what they were doing. As soon as she knew that the kids were back in the trailer house, she made Frank take them back out to a different location on the outskirts of the city where the kids would never be able to find their way back home.
Hans and Gretchen were now in a place they had no clue was located at. So instead of going into the city to look for food and shelter, they decided to go into the nature preserve they were dropped off near. They made their way into the forest, but knew that they’d want to get out of there sometime, so Hans left a trail of skittles on the ground to find their way back. Sure, they could eat the Skittles and stay alive longer, but both of them had an abnormal fear about eating them. It was probably caused by the traumatic episode the kids had a few years back involving the giant talking M&M’s where the red M&M, which was actually a guy in a suit, attacked them both. Sure, M&M’s and Skittles are both different, one being a sweet fruit flavored candy, the other being a candy coated chocolate treat, but one must admit, they both look the same.
As Hans and Gretchen were making their way into the nature preserve forest, they started to smell something delicious. As they followed their noses to the delicious aroma, they started to see a small house. As they got closer they noticed that the house wasn’t made of bricks or wood, but was in fact made of delicious apple pie. Apple pie, one might ask? That wouldn’t hold up to be walls or even have enough strength to hold up a roof. This wasn’t ordinary apple pie though, it was magical apple pie. It was pie that could be stacked 4 stories high and not even fall down. Any who, back to the story, Hans and Gretchen immediately started taking bites out of the walls of the house. They were so hungry they didn’t even bother to ask who would build a house out of apple pie. As soon as they were done with one corner of the house, they passed out. Little did they know that the woman who baked the apple pie walls placed roofies in the pies.
The children awoke hours later in a daze. Gretchen was placed in a dog kennel, and Hans was handcuffed to a apple pie column. They saw an old woman with a huge pot making some sort of stew… a stew without meat. The children asked what she was doing and she replied, “I’m having you for dinner.” The children were excited that they were having a real meal for once, but realized later that they were actually going to be the dinner. As the old woman was coming towards Hans with a huge butcher knife, a S.W.A.T. team came into the house, kicking down the apple crust door, and shooting the old woman dead. Turns out that the old woman was number 5 on the FBI’s top 10 most wanted criminals in the US; her being number 5 because she was a cannibal who preyed on young unsuspecting homeless children. What luck the kids thought that the police came in at the right moment and killed the old woman. Turns out the house was being watched over the entire time and the authorities were waiting to catch the woman right before she would commit the murder that was about to take place.
After questioning by a few of the FBI agents and detectives, they decided to take the kids to a foster home. After a few weeks there, they were adopted by a loving family with a golden retriever, a big house, and a lot of money.
One day, the bills kept on piling up and also the available money and food stamps they had for food ran low. “I hate your kids. I hope they get run over by a friggin’ bus,” said the mean wife to her husband. “See? Why do you have to say things like that? When you say things like that it makes you look like more of a bitch than what you really are,” said Frank. “Shut up you moron. It’s been over a year and you still haven’t found a job. How incompetent are you?” asked Penelope. Frank, muttering to himself, said, “I hope you get a bad case of diarrhea, woman.” “What did you just say?” Penelope asked. “Nothing…” replied Frank. “Okay, desperate times call for desperate measures. Look, I’m hungry, you’re hungry, and the kids are eating food that we could be eating. Let’s give them the boot and make them live off the streets” stated Penelope. “What? I’d never do such a thing!” exclaimed Frank. “If you don’t kick them out, I’ll stop having sex with you” said Penelope. “You got a deal” said Frank.
So Hans and Gretchen were kicked out of their shoddy trailer house and were forced to fend for themselves and scrounge for food. They were dropped off at the outskirts of the city near a forest and were left to die. Luckily, being the smart kids Hans and Gretchen were due to their public school education, they found their way back to their house and took shelter in there until finally the evil stepmother found out what they were doing. As soon as she knew that the kids were back in the trailer house, she made Frank take them back out to a different location on the outskirts of the city where the kids would never be able to find their way back home.
Hans and Gretchen were now in a place they had no clue was located at. So instead of going into the city to look for food and shelter, they decided to go into the nature preserve they were dropped off near. They made their way into the forest, but knew that they’d want to get out of there sometime, so Hans left a trail of skittles on the ground to find their way back. Sure, they could eat the Skittles and stay alive longer, but both of them had an abnormal fear about eating them. It was probably caused by the traumatic episode the kids had a few years back involving the giant talking M&M’s where the red M&M, which was actually a guy in a suit, attacked them both. Sure, M&M’s and Skittles are both different, one being a sweet fruit flavored candy, the other being a candy coated chocolate treat, but one must admit, they both look the same.
As Hans and Gretchen were making their way into the nature preserve forest, they started to smell something delicious. As they followed their noses to the delicious aroma, they started to see a small house. As they got closer they noticed that the house wasn’t made of bricks or wood, but was in fact made of delicious apple pie. Apple pie, one might ask? That wouldn’t hold up to be walls or even have enough strength to hold up a roof. This wasn’t ordinary apple pie though, it was magical apple pie. It was pie that could be stacked 4 stories high and not even fall down. Any who, back to the story, Hans and Gretchen immediately started taking bites out of the walls of the house. They were so hungry they didn’t even bother to ask who would build a house out of apple pie. As soon as they were done with one corner of the house, they passed out. Little did they know that the woman who baked the apple pie walls placed roofies in the pies.
The children awoke hours later in a daze. Gretchen was placed in a dog kennel, and Hans was handcuffed to a apple pie column. They saw an old woman with a huge pot making some sort of stew… a stew without meat. The children asked what she was doing and she replied, “I’m having you for dinner.” The children were excited that they were having a real meal for once, but realized later that they were actually going to be the dinner. As the old woman was coming towards Hans with a huge butcher knife, a S.W.A.T. team came into the house, kicking down the apple crust door, and shooting the old woman dead. Turns out that the old woman was number 5 on the FBI’s top 10 most wanted criminals in the US; her being number 5 because she was a cannibal who preyed on young unsuspecting homeless children. What luck the kids thought that the police came in at the right moment and killed the old woman. Turns out the house was being watched over the entire time and the authorities were waiting to catch the woman right before she would commit the murder that was about to take place.
After questioning by a few of the FBI agents and detectives, they decided to take the kids to a foster home. After a few weeks there, they were adopted by a loving family with a golden retriever, a big house, and a lot of money.
Lost Episode of Seinfeld
Lost episode of Seinfeld
Scene: Monk’s diner, downtown Manhattan. Jerry and George sitting in their usual booth having coffee.
Characters: Jerry, George, Elaine.
Jerry: So how was your date with Penelope last night?
George: I’d rather not talk about it…
Jerry: Oh come on, what happened?
George: I told you I’d rather not talk about it.
Jerry: Hmm… Let me see if I can guess what happened…
George: HA! *snickers* I doubt you’ll guess it right.
Jerry: Au contraire mon fraire. We all know that the great George Costanza is the cheapest of all cheap when it comes to dates. I bet the whole date completely shattered after the waiter gave you the check….. So you didn’t pay for the dinner?
George: Hey, I paid for the movie. Plus, the check was on HER side of the table, and she made the move to pay for it. I just humbly accepted.
Jerry: You see, that’s where you failed. The male is ALWAYS supposed to pay for everything on a date, or at least make an attempt to.
George: Eh, I don’t really think it matters anyway. It’s not like anything was going to happen after the date.
Jerry: That’s because you didn’t pay for the check.
George: No, I mean like I don’t think the relationship was going to work out. She had one of those annoying little ticks that annoy the heck out of me. IT MADE ME SO MAD!!! (Grabs hair in frustration)
Jerry: Easy there, Koko. What was the woman’s tick this time? Dressed up too nicely? Didn’t laugh at your jokes? OH! Wait! I got it! She didn’t say God Bless You when you sneezed.
George: Ha ha. Very funny. No, it was nothing like that. This time it was a real tick.
Jerry: Oh yeah? Well sock it to me.
George: She had a weird laugh.
Jerry: A weird laugh?
George: A weird laugh.
Jerry: How weird are we talking here?
George: Think of a small child who inhaled helium all day long and smoked cigarettes her entire life. That’s it, all while spewing out chunks of food onto my plate.
Jerry: That’s it?
George: What do you mean that’s it? It’s very annoying. And on top of that, very unsanitary!
Jerry: All this coming from a man who uses a handkerchief to blow his nose.
George: Hey, handkerchiefs are coming back. Plus they’re environmentally friendly.
Jerry: Yeah, having millions of germs all wrapped up in a piece of cloth shoved into your back pocket is really helping the environment.
George: I thought we were talking about my date, not how I blow my nose.
Jerry: So let me get this straight: You gave up on the possibility of a beautiful relationship with a beautiful woman just because she had a weird laugh?
George: It was more of a loud, disgusting cough.
Jerry: Excuse me, a cough.
George: Hey, if you were there you’d be siding with me.
Jerry: So you gave up on love just because of someone’s imperfection?
George: I’m pretty shallow when it comes to women.
Jerry: I’ve noticed.
George: I think I’m going to give up on dating altogether. It just seems that every time I go on a date, it ends on a sour note.
Jerry: That’s because you’re too picky when it comes to women.
Larry: I’m not picky. I’m just looking for a woman who is good looking, smart, funny, and doesn’t have any weird ticks or imperfections.
Jerry: Yeah, that’s not being picky at all (shifts eyes away in disbelief)
*Elaine enters the diner*
Jerry: Elaine. Over here.
Elaine: Hello gentlemen.
Jerry: So let me ask you something. Have you ever gone on a date and paid for the guy?
Elaine: Yeah, when I don’t want to see the schmuck again.
George: Huh?
Elaine: When I pay, it gets rid of the possibility of a second date. I don’t owe the guy anything, and I assume the guy knows he’s getting nothing that night. Why?
Jerry: George went on a date last night and made her pay for dinner.
George: I paid for the movie.
Elaine: So when you go on a date, do you think frugalness is in?
George: She made the move to pay for the check.
Elaine: Did you even offer to pay for it?
George: Well… no, not really.
Elaine: Possibility of George having a successful date: zero.
Jerry: So you paid for a guy just to get out of having a second date?
Elaine: Yeah… sometimes it doesn’t work though. They don’t get the hint and call me the next day. Then I just make up an excuse on why I can’t go out that night, or the next night, or the night after that, or the entire week.
George: What about the entire month?
Elaine: They usually get the hint after that.
Jerry: Ah, good thinking. What makes you dismiss the chance of another date with the guy?
Elaine: Several reasons. Let’s see… um, being cheap, interrupts me when talking, lies, being ugly. Actually the list goes on, I’m just way too tired from my date last night.
Jerry: So how was it?
Elaine: The worst date ever.
George: Heh *snorts* what happened?
Elaine: Remember that time I was getting Chinese food and I tripped the waiter who was carrying the food for the huge group of people right next us?
George: *putting sugar in his coffee* You’re dating the waiter!?
Elaine: No, I’m not dating him. I went out on a date with the one of the people who happened to see it happen that night.
Jerry: So what made it the worst date ever?
Elaine: I called him Bob the entire date.
George: So?
Elaine: He prefers to be called William.
George: What about Will?
Elaine: Nope, not even Will. When he finally corrected me he became the hugest baby about it. He started calling me Laney and said something along the lines of, “How does it feel now? Doesn’t feel so good, does it?”
Jerry: So you ended the date because of that?
Elaine: Yeah. That and he was ugly.
Jerry: You go out with uggoes?
George: Ha, Elaine dating an ugly guy. That makes my day.
Elaine: *Stares blankly at George* I got set up on a blind date, jackass.
Jerry: So from what I get from the two of you is this: If the date is ugly and has tiny imperfections, there’s no chance for anything to spark.
Elaine: Yup.
George: You got it.
Jerry: So love to you guys is when the opposite sex is attractive, funny, and smart with NO imperfections whatsoever.
George: Nada, zip, zilch, nothing.
Elaine: I could stand a few imperfections… but no mustaches. They’re just plain weird.
Jerry: What about Keith Hernandez?
Elaine: It looked sexy on him. He was one of those rare exceptions.
Jerry: So when it comes to love, they have to be attractive, but at the same time, be attracted to you.
George: Exactly!
Elaine: Am I really that shallow?
Jerry: Oh, you’re shallow, baby.
George: Again with you using my “baby’s”?
Jerry: I told you before; I started saying “baby” long before you.
(Kramer enters the diner)
*Jerry, George, and Elaine saying “Kramer!” in unison*
Kramer: What’s up diggity dogs?
Jerry: Lemme ask you something: what do you look for in a woman?
Kramer: Well, let’s see here. She must be kind, compassionate, smart, have a great sense of humor…
George: Would you ever date an ugly woman?
Kramer: *jumps head back in disgust* Of course not. How can I date someone I don’t find attractive?
Elaine: So I guess it’s okay to be in a relationship on looks alone.
Jerry: Yeah, that’s a healthy relationship…
Elaine: Oh yeah? Well what about you, Dr. Love? Would you ever date an ugly woman?
Jerry: Oh God no. I could never do that.
(Couple in the background fighting with each other being overheard by Jerry, Elaine, and George)
Male: I don’t see why you’re so mad. I’m just saying a nose job could really boost your self-esteem and make you more attractive.
Female: I hate you! I HATE YOU! *runs out of diner crying*
Elaine: Would you date her?
Kramer: Not with that schnoz.
George: Eh, fix the nose, we’ll talk...
Jerry: That’s a shame… *shakes head and takes a sip of coffee*
Scene: Monk’s diner, downtown Manhattan. Jerry and George sitting in their usual booth having coffee.
Characters: Jerry, George, Elaine.
Jerry: So how was your date with Penelope last night?
George: I’d rather not talk about it…
Jerry: Oh come on, what happened?
George: I told you I’d rather not talk about it.
Jerry: Hmm… Let me see if I can guess what happened…
George: HA! *snickers* I doubt you’ll guess it right.
Jerry: Au contraire mon fraire. We all know that the great George Costanza is the cheapest of all cheap when it comes to dates. I bet the whole date completely shattered after the waiter gave you the check….. So you didn’t pay for the dinner?
George: Hey, I paid for the movie. Plus, the check was on HER side of the table, and she made the move to pay for it. I just humbly accepted.
Jerry: You see, that’s where you failed. The male is ALWAYS supposed to pay for everything on a date, or at least make an attempt to.
George: Eh, I don’t really think it matters anyway. It’s not like anything was going to happen after the date.
Jerry: That’s because you didn’t pay for the check.
George: No, I mean like I don’t think the relationship was going to work out. She had one of those annoying little ticks that annoy the heck out of me. IT MADE ME SO MAD!!! (Grabs hair in frustration)
Jerry: Easy there, Koko. What was the woman’s tick this time? Dressed up too nicely? Didn’t laugh at your jokes? OH! Wait! I got it! She didn’t say God Bless You when you sneezed.
George: Ha ha. Very funny. No, it was nothing like that. This time it was a real tick.
Jerry: Oh yeah? Well sock it to me.
George: She had a weird laugh.
Jerry: A weird laugh?
George: A weird laugh.
Jerry: How weird are we talking here?
George: Think of a small child who inhaled helium all day long and smoked cigarettes her entire life. That’s it, all while spewing out chunks of food onto my plate.
Jerry: That’s it?
George: What do you mean that’s it? It’s very annoying. And on top of that, very unsanitary!
Jerry: All this coming from a man who uses a handkerchief to blow his nose.
George: Hey, handkerchiefs are coming back. Plus they’re environmentally friendly.
Jerry: Yeah, having millions of germs all wrapped up in a piece of cloth shoved into your back pocket is really helping the environment.
George: I thought we were talking about my date, not how I blow my nose.
Jerry: So let me get this straight: You gave up on the possibility of a beautiful relationship with a beautiful woman just because she had a weird laugh?
George: It was more of a loud, disgusting cough.
Jerry: Excuse me, a cough.
George: Hey, if you were there you’d be siding with me.
Jerry: So you gave up on love just because of someone’s imperfection?
George: I’m pretty shallow when it comes to women.
Jerry: I’ve noticed.
George: I think I’m going to give up on dating altogether. It just seems that every time I go on a date, it ends on a sour note.
Jerry: That’s because you’re too picky when it comes to women.
Larry: I’m not picky. I’m just looking for a woman who is good looking, smart, funny, and doesn’t have any weird ticks or imperfections.
Jerry: Yeah, that’s not being picky at all (shifts eyes away in disbelief)
*Elaine enters the diner*
Jerry: Elaine. Over here.
Elaine: Hello gentlemen.
Jerry: So let me ask you something. Have you ever gone on a date and paid for the guy?
Elaine: Yeah, when I don’t want to see the schmuck again.
George: Huh?
Elaine: When I pay, it gets rid of the possibility of a second date. I don’t owe the guy anything, and I assume the guy knows he’s getting nothing that night. Why?
Jerry: George went on a date last night and made her pay for dinner.
George: I paid for the movie.
Elaine: So when you go on a date, do you think frugalness is in?
George: She made the move to pay for the check.
Elaine: Did you even offer to pay for it?
George: Well… no, not really.
Elaine: Possibility of George having a successful date: zero.
Jerry: So you paid for a guy just to get out of having a second date?
Elaine: Yeah… sometimes it doesn’t work though. They don’t get the hint and call me the next day. Then I just make up an excuse on why I can’t go out that night, or the next night, or the night after that, or the entire week.
George: What about the entire month?
Elaine: They usually get the hint after that.
Jerry: Ah, good thinking. What makes you dismiss the chance of another date with the guy?
Elaine: Several reasons. Let’s see… um, being cheap, interrupts me when talking, lies, being ugly. Actually the list goes on, I’m just way too tired from my date last night.
Jerry: So how was it?
Elaine: The worst date ever.
George: Heh *snorts* what happened?
Elaine: Remember that time I was getting Chinese food and I tripped the waiter who was carrying the food for the huge group of people right next us?
George: *putting sugar in his coffee* You’re dating the waiter!?
Elaine: No, I’m not dating him. I went out on a date with the one of the people who happened to see it happen that night.
Jerry: So what made it the worst date ever?
Elaine: I called him Bob the entire date.
George: So?
Elaine: He prefers to be called William.
George: What about Will?
Elaine: Nope, not even Will. When he finally corrected me he became the hugest baby about it. He started calling me Laney and said something along the lines of, “How does it feel now? Doesn’t feel so good, does it?”
Jerry: So you ended the date because of that?
Elaine: Yeah. That and he was ugly.
Jerry: You go out with uggoes?
George: Ha, Elaine dating an ugly guy. That makes my day.
Elaine: *Stares blankly at George* I got set up on a blind date, jackass.
Jerry: So from what I get from the two of you is this: If the date is ugly and has tiny imperfections, there’s no chance for anything to spark.
Elaine: Yup.
George: You got it.
Jerry: So love to you guys is when the opposite sex is attractive, funny, and smart with NO imperfections whatsoever.
George: Nada, zip, zilch, nothing.
Elaine: I could stand a few imperfections… but no mustaches. They’re just plain weird.
Jerry: What about Keith Hernandez?
Elaine: It looked sexy on him. He was one of those rare exceptions.
Jerry: So when it comes to love, they have to be attractive, but at the same time, be attracted to you.
George: Exactly!
Elaine: Am I really that shallow?
Jerry: Oh, you’re shallow, baby.
George: Again with you using my “baby’s”?
Jerry: I told you before; I started saying “baby” long before you.
(Kramer enters the diner)
*Jerry, George, and Elaine saying “Kramer!” in unison*
Kramer: What’s up diggity dogs?
Jerry: Lemme ask you something: what do you look for in a woman?
Kramer: Well, let’s see here. She must be kind, compassionate, smart, have a great sense of humor…
George: Would you ever date an ugly woman?
Kramer: *jumps head back in disgust* Of course not. How can I date someone I don’t find attractive?
Elaine: So I guess it’s okay to be in a relationship on looks alone.
Jerry: Yeah, that’s a healthy relationship…
Elaine: Oh yeah? Well what about you, Dr. Love? Would you ever date an ugly woman?
Jerry: Oh God no. I could never do that.
(Couple in the background fighting with each other being overheard by Jerry, Elaine, and George)
Male: I don’t see why you’re so mad. I’m just saying a nose job could really boost your self-esteem and make you more attractive.
Female: I hate you! I HATE YOU! *runs out of diner crying*
Elaine: Would you date her?
Kramer: Not with that schnoz.
George: Eh, fix the nose, we’ll talk...
Jerry: That’s a shame… *shakes head and takes a sip of coffee*
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