Lost Episode of Seinfeld

Lost episode of Seinfeld

Scene: Monk’s diner, downtown Manhattan. Jerry and George sitting in their usual booth having coffee.

Characters: Jerry, George, Elaine.

Jerry: So how was your date with Penelope last night?

George: I’d rather not talk about it…

Jerry: Oh come on, what happened?

George: I told you I’d rather not talk about it.

Jerry: Hmm… Let me see if I can guess what happened…

George: HA! *snickers* I doubt you’ll guess it right.

Jerry: Au contraire mon fraire. We all know that the great George Costanza is the cheapest of all cheap when it comes to dates. I bet the whole date completely shattered after the waiter gave you the check….. So you didn’t pay for the dinner?

George: Hey, I paid for the movie. Plus, the check was on HER side of the table, and she made the move to pay for it. I just humbly accepted.

Jerry: You see, that’s where you failed. The male is ALWAYS supposed to pay for everything on a date, or at least make an attempt to.

George: Eh, I don’t really think it matters anyway. It’s not like anything was going to happen after the date.

Jerry: That’s because you didn’t pay for the check.

George: No, I mean like I don’t think the relationship was going to work out. She had one of those annoying little ticks that annoy the heck out of me. IT MADE ME SO MAD!!! (Grabs hair in frustration)

Jerry: Easy there, Koko. What was the woman’s tick this time? Dressed up too nicely? Didn’t laugh at your jokes? OH! Wait! I got it! She didn’t say God Bless You when you sneezed.

George: Ha ha. Very funny. No, it was nothing like that. This time it was a real tick.

Jerry: Oh yeah? Well sock it to me.

George: She had a weird laugh.

Jerry: A weird laugh?

George: A weird laugh.

Jerry: How weird are we talking here?

George: Think of a small child who inhaled helium all day long and smoked cigarettes her entire life. That’s it, all while spewing out chunks of food onto my plate.

Jerry: That’s it?

George: What do you mean that’s it? It’s very annoying. And on top of that, very unsanitary!

Jerry: All this coming from a man who uses a handkerchief to blow his nose.

George: Hey, handkerchiefs are coming back. Plus they’re environmentally friendly.

Jerry: Yeah, having millions of germs all wrapped up in a piece of cloth shoved into your back pocket is really helping the environment.

George: I thought we were talking about my date, not how I blow my nose.

Jerry: So let me get this straight: You gave up on the possibility of a beautiful relationship with a beautiful woman just because she had a weird laugh?

George: It was more of a loud, disgusting cough.

Jerry: Excuse me, a cough.

George: Hey, if you were there you’d be siding with me.

Jerry: So you gave up on love just because of someone’s imperfection?

George: I’m pretty shallow when it comes to women.

Jerry: I’ve noticed.

George: I think I’m going to give up on dating altogether. It just seems that every time I go on a date, it ends on a sour note.

Jerry: That’s because you’re too picky when it comes to women.

Larry: I’m not picky. I’m just looking for a woman who is good looking, smart, funny, and doesn’t have any weird ticks or imperfections.

Jerry: Yeah, that’s not being picky at all (shifts eyes away in disbelief)

*Elaine enters the diner*

Jerry: Elaine. Over here.

Elaine: Hello gentlemen.

Jerry: So let me ask you something. Have you ever gone on a date and paid for the guy?

Elaine: Yeah, when I don’t want to see the schmuck again.

George: Huh?

Elaine: When I pay, it gets rid of the possibility of a second date. I don’t owe the guy anything, and I assume the guy knows he’s getting nothing that night. Why?

Jerry: George went on a date last night and made her pay for dinner.

George: I paid for the movie.

Elaine: So when you go on a date, do you think frugalness is in?

George: She made the move to pay for the check.

Elaine: Did you even offer to pay for it?

George: Well… no, not really.

Elaine: Possibility of George having a successful date: zero.

Jerry: So you paid for a guy just to get out of having a second date?

Elaine: Yeah… sometimes it doesn’t work though. They don’t get the hint and call me the next day. Then I just make up an excuse on why I can’t go out that night, or the next night, or the night after that, or the entire week.

George: What about the entire month?

Elaine: They usually get the hint after that.

Jerry: Ah, good thinking. What makes you dismiss the chance of another date with the guy?

Elaine: Several reasons. Let’s see… um, being cheap, interrupts me when talking, lies, being ugly. Actually the list goes on, I’m just way too tired from my date last night.

Jerry: So how was it?

Elaine: The worst date ever.

George: Heh *snorts* what happened?

Elaine: Remember that time I was getting Chinese food and I tripped the waiter who was carrying the food for the huge group of people right next us?

George: *putting sugar in his coffee* You’re dating the waiter!?

Elaine: No, I’m not dating him. I went out on a date with the one of the people who happened to see it happen that night.

Jerry: So what made it the worst date ever?

Elaine: I called him Bob the entire date.

George: So?

Elaine: He prefers to be called William.

George: What about Will?

Elaine: Nope, not even Will. When he finally corrected me he became the hugest baby about it. He started calling me Laney and said something along the lines of, “How does it feel now? Doesn’t feel so good, does it?”

Jerry: So you ended the date because of that?

Elaine: Yeah. That and he was ugly.

Jerry: You go out with uggoes?

George: Ha, Elaine dating an ugly guy. That makes my day.

Elaine: *Stares blankly at George* I got set up on a blind date, jackass.

Jerry: So from what I get from the two of you is this: If the date is ugly and has tiny imperfections, there’s no chance for anything to spark.

Elaine: Yup.

George: You got it.

Jerry: So love to you guys is when the opposite sex is attractive, funny, and smart with NO imperfections whatsoever.

George: Nada, zip, zilch, nothing.

Elaine: I could stand a few imperfections… but no mustaches. They’re just plain weird.

Jerry: What about Keith Hernandez?

Elaine: It looked sexy on him. He was one of those rare exceptions.

Jerry: So when it comes to love, they have to be attractive, but at the same time, be attracted to you.

George: Exactly!

Elaine: Am I really that shallow?

Jerry: Oh, you’re shallow, baby.

George: Again with you using my “baby’s”?

Jerry: I told you before; I started saying “baby” long before you.

(Kramer enters the diner)

*Jerry, George, and Elaine saying “Kramer!” in unison*

Kramer: What’s up diggity dogs?

Jerry: Lemme ask you something: what do you look for in a woman?

Kramer: Well, let’s see here. She must be kind, compassionate, smart, have a great sense of humor…

George: Would you ever date an ugly woman?

Kramer: *jumps head back in disgust* Of course not. How can I date someone I don’t find attractive?

Elaine: So I guess it’s okay to be in a relationship on looks alone.

Jerry: Yeah, that’s a healthy relationship…

Elaine: Oh yeah? Well what about you, Dr. Love? Would you ever date an ugly woman?

Jerry: Oh God no. I could never do that.

(Couple in the background fighting with each other being overheard by Jerry, Elaine, and George)

Male: I don’t see why you’re so mad. I’m just saying a nose job could really boost your self-esteem and make you more attractive.

Female: I hate you! I HATE YOU! *runs out of diner crying*

Elaine: Would you date her?

Kramer: Not with that schnoz.

George: Eh, fix the nose, we’ll talk...

Jerry: That’s a shame… *shakes head and takes a sip of coffee*